The Story of the Magic, Stinky Tsinelas

Dedicated to all Moms who have ever wielded Tsinelas as a weapon.

By Sharleen Sy, edited by Samantha Howie

On a remote Philippine island, a team of archeologists made a remarkable discovery. While excavating an ancient burial ground, they found a collection of what seemed to be artefacts from a long-lost civilization. The most eye-catching of these items was a pair of worn-out tsinelas. Even though tsinelas were common all across the Philippines - often worn around the house as casual slippers - these shoes gave them pause.

Engraved along both shoes were strange markings, the likes of which no one had ever seen before. Upon closer inspection, the archeologists noticed that the markings on the tsinelas were not just decorative, but had some kind of greater significance. For a time, they puzzled over what they could mean, but they were well and truly stuck. It wasn’t until they found an old scroll, buried even deeper in the excavation site, that they understood the purpose behind them. According to the scroll, these tsinelas were said to have belonged to a powerful sorceress named Nanay Gloria (Nanay Gloria being in a scary, menacing font, of course, because Nanay Gloria was that kind of sorceress).

According to the scroll, Nanay Gloria had created the tsinelas with the intention of using them as a weapon against evil forces that threatened her village. She had imbued the tsinelas with the power to emit a most foul odor, so powerful that it could knock out her enemies. At the same time, she also made them capable of transforming into a fiery projectile that could incinerate anything in their path. For generations, they were passed down through her family, until they were ultimately lost and forgotten. The archeologists were completely dumbstruck by their find.

It didn’t end there. The scroll explained the tsinelas had other powers. These tsinelas had a unique ability to magically create Filipino food at will, appearing within a woven wicker basket at the feet of the wearer. If what the scroll said was true, the tsinelas were so powerful, it beggared belief. The most impulsive of them, refusing to think that magic was real, grabbed the slippers.

“There’s no way this would work.” They thought to themselves.

Following the instructions on the scroll, they tried the tsinelas on and willed for adobo chicken and rice. To their surprise, a basket appeared. A chill ran down their spine, as they began to realize just how powerful these slippers truly were. They ate the Adobo and continued down the scroll, until it related one story of particular interest.

“…One day, a group of villains broke into the family’s home. Having just created the magical weapon, Nanay Gloria decided to test the powers of her tsinelas. As soon as she picked them up, they glowed a bright and fiery orange. She flung them at the villains, and as they hit the ground, they made a bang loud enough to be heard throughout the village. The area around them was left blackened and smoking. Having missed her mark, an overpowering smell of sour vinegar mixed with rotten eggs and spoiled milk began to emit from the slippers. No one knows if it was the terror or the smell that knocked the villains out instantly.

Time passed since that incident, and as she used them in her day to day life Nanay Gloria actually discovered another power of the tsinelas. Whenever she hurled them towards her children (although not with the intention to harm them, as it was her habit to throw tsinelas at her kids), the tsinelas would act differently. They would start pulsing a blue glow before being thrown. Once the tsinelas hit her teenagers, their faces contorted in mortification as they began singing and dancing uncontrollably, their movements stiff and awkward, their voices strained and off-key.

The first time it happened, their eyes widened in disbelief as they gaped at each other, their expressions a mix of confusion, embarrassment, and a desperate desire to stop their forced performance. Then the odor hit. Not at the villain-destroying intensity they had smelled previously, but definitely enough to sicken them. To make matters worse, shortly after the first chorus, the children found themselves breaking into very poorly choreographed and cringe-worthy dancing.”

Yes - the scroll said cringe-worthy. It was at that moment that the archeologists discovered the true origin of that phrase, which is apparently the ancient Filipino town of “Nakakalanghap Bayan”, the home of Nanay Gloria.

“At that moment, a strange, sparkly, spinning ball materialized. As it spun, weird patterns of light filled the room. There was no way for anyone to ignore them - if they could ignore the singing at all. Somehow, it made the whole experience that much more embarrassing. Since that incident, Nanay Gloria found her children became surprisingly well-behaved and obedient.

Months went by, and eventually their village was beset upon by a new gang of villains. Quick to act, Nanay Gloria marched out to confront them, and before they could even respond, she flung the tsinelas at them. She only intended to incapacitate them, but to her surprise, she had channeled the wrong power through the slippers. The villains froze, dropped their weapons and started singing karaoke while uncontrollably disco dancing. For what felt like hours, the awful hollering and gyrating continued, until the villains were eventually thrown in jail. When questioned at a later time, they said they much preferred the prison to…'whatever horror Nanay Gloria had subjected them to!'

When the group had finished reading the scroll, they all shared a moment of shocked silence. The archeologists couldn't believe their luck in discovering such a powerful and ancient artefact. They wondered what other secrets lay buried beneath the earth, waiting to be discovered… And what the tsinelas might mean for generations to come. As they carefully packed everything up - the tsinelas, basket of adobo, and scroll - to take back to civilization, they couldn't help but feel a sense of awe and wonder at the mystical powers once wielded by Nanay Gloria and subsequently passed down her line.

More adventures of Nanay Gloria and the Magic, Stinky Tsinelas to come!